


When Knowing's Not Enough

by hedgehoggery



Category: Naruto
Genre: Canon Compliant, Feelings Realization, M/M, One Shot, Six Moments in Time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-26 17:08:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15667581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hedgehoggery/pseuds/hedgehoggery
Summary: Kakashi has always known how he's felt about Tenzo, whether he wants to admit it or not.This story spans from Kakashi's last day in ANBU to the last day of the Fourth Great Shinobi War, telling six short moments in Kakashi's life.





	When Knowing's Not Enough

1.

Kakashi had a lot of reasons to be depressed during the course of his life - the death of his parents, friends, and sensei; the blood of the hundreds of enemies he had killed in the line of duty; the countless Leaf shinobi he had been unable to save from their fate. He had never questioned the constant pain he felt as anything but purely logical and justified. It wasn’t that he was an overly emotional person, he had just had to deal with a hell of a lot more than the average person could handle.

So it was quite a surprise when he realized that he was feeling a very _illogical_ emotion - he was sad to leave ANBU. Since the moment Hiruzen had told him he was reassigning him to be a jonin teacher, a pit of despair had built up in his stomach. At first he had written the feeling off as simple anxiety for entering a new stage in his life: he had been in ANBU for so long, it was just nerves making him feel jittery about taking on a new role. Then he had chalked it up to the knowledge that he’d have to work around kids: he’d never been good with kids, and he was worried about having their lives in his hands.

But as he sat at the bar with Team Ro, sharing war stories they’d told hundreds of times before and drinking well into the early morning hours, he couldn’t lie to himself anymore. The emotion he was feeling wasn’t anxiety or nervousness or anything of that sort. It was sadness, plain and simple.

It made no sense. Why would he be sad to leave ANBU? It was a horrible life he led on Team Ro - every mission assigned to their group involved killing someone or multiple someones. When he heard Gai and Asuma and Kurenai talk about their missions, he couldn’t help but be envious. Their missions were normal, noble even - escort this VIP safely across country, deliver this scroll to a foreign land, rescue this cat out of a tree. Kakashi would’ve happily taken any of those missions over yet another assassination.

He couldn’t understand why, then, he was so bummed out. As a jonin teacher, he’d practically have it made. His team would only get easy missions for at least several months. He should be celebrating.

Maybe he’d gone soft. Maybe he really was just emotional now. Maybe the thought of leaving Team Ro behind made him sad. Maybe he was pathetic.

“You alright?”

Kakashi jumped - he’d almost forgotten he was at the bar, drinking with his team - _former_ team. He realized he’d been staring into his drink for several minutes as he analyzed his thoughts, and his kohai Tenzo was clearly worried about him.

“Yeah, Tenzo, I’m fine,” he said. “Just thinking.” Tenzo cocked his head slightly to the side.

“What about?” he asked. Kakashi shrugged. He wasn’t one for talking, and certainly not about emotions.

“Just weird to be leaving, that’s all,” he said. Tenzo smiled softly and looked at Kakashi with eyes that saw right through him. He knew. He always knew. Kakashi could never hide anything from him.

“It’s okay to be sad to leave,” he said. “We’ve been a team for a while. We’re all going to miss you. I know I’ll miss you, senpai.”

_Senpai._

Tenzo was one of the only people Kakashi knew who insisted on using the honorific to talk to him. At first it surprised him, then it annoyed him, and now…

_Senpai._

How the word seemed to roll of Tenzo’s tongue like honey, sweet and thick, dripping slowly onto Kakashi until he was coated with it, every nook and crevice of his mind filled with the reverberations of the man’s voice.

_Senpai._

Kakashi knew. Oh god, did he know. It didn’t hit him like a kunai or scream at him like chidori. No, it grew out of the darkness like a tree thriving despite the barren landscape. Before Kakashi even knew it existed, its roots had taken hold on his heart and he was naught but a helpless captive. And while Kakashi usually liked to be in control, he couldn’t deny that he found the sensation somehow freeing.

He wasn’t sad to leave ANBU. He wasn’t even sad to leave Team Ro.

No, it was so much worse than that.

He sighed and took a sip of his drink, fooling not even himself when he tried to play his blush off as intoxication. No, he could lie all he wanted but he knew the truth.

“I’ll miss you too, Tenzo.”

 

2.

The hospital wasn’t a place Kakashi ever felt at home, and yet recently he had started to be there so frequently that he considered having his mail delivered there. He supposed that’s what he got for caring about his team too much. He’d watched everyone he cared about die or leave for years and now he found himself willing to lay down his life to keep his students safe.

Losing Sasuke had been more painful than he could’ve imagined. The kid wasn’t even dead but his abandonment stung anyway, and Kakashi couldn’t squash the voice that told him he was a failure as a teacher.

So when Naruto left with Jiraiya and Sakura began training with Tsunade, Kakashi wasn’t sure what he had left to live for. He took missions with other teams, of course, but it never felt right. He never felt quite as wanted or needed as he did on Team 7. And he wasn’t sure he ever would again.

But eventually Naruto came back and Sakura did too, and the three of them went on a mission together to save Gaara. Kakashi was glad to have them back; too glad, perhaps, because he used his kamui to the point of chakra exhaustion in an effort to keep them safe.

And thus he ended up back in the hospital, his home away from home, restricted to bed rest and forbidden from going on any missions with the team he had just gotten back. When Tsunade had told him she’d found a replacement leader for his team he had almost laughed at her. No one - _no one_ \- was good enough to watch over Kakashi’s kids.

But she was the Hokage after all, and Kakashi was stuck in bed. Naruto and Sakura shouldn’t be restricted to the village just because Kakashi was, so he couldn’t argue when Tsunade informed him she’d be bringing his replacement by his hospital room later. But that didn’t mean he had to like it.

He waited with some level of anxiety - he’d long ago given up on denying his emotions anymore - as the clock ticked ever closer to the hour when Tsunade was supposed to stop by. And when the door swung open he thought he was prepared for anything.

But he wasn’t.

He wasn’t prepared to see _him._ His brown hair. His almond eyes. His crooked smirk that told Kakashi that he was an open book to the man; that no matter how much he forced his face to remain neutral or his voice to remain steady, he’d never be able to hide the truth from his kohai. From _Tenzo._

Kakashi cursed the way his heart fluttered. Cursed the way it sent adrenaline burning through his veins, alighting his nerves all the way down to his toes. Cursed the way his one exposed eye was probably more than enough to let Tenzo and Tsunade know the truth that he’d never been able to deny.

Kakashi knew. He knew why his heart beat faster around the man. He knew why his nerves burned. He knew. And he hated it.

The tree roots that had once taken hold on his heart had never left, they’d simply faded into the background. But they were back with a vengeance now, and Kakashi had lost control again. Had he ever really been in control when it came to Tenzo?

But while Kakashi hated the feeling he found himself unable to deny, he couldn’t help but feel relief, too. If Tenzo was his replacement, his kids would be okay. Kakashi would trust Tenzo with his own life, and he’d certainly trust him with the life of his kids. He had been wrong, earlier, when he thought there was no one else in the world worthy of leading Naruto and Sakura. He’d been wrong because he hadn’t considered Tenzo.

So he allowed Tenzo to stay - not that he really had a choice of course - and told himself it was just for the sake of his kids. He told himself it had nothing to do with himself or his fluttering heart or his inflamed nerves. He told himself that, but he knew it was a lie.

He knew.

 

3.

Kakashi knew when he developed this training plan for Naruto that it would necessarily involve Kakashi spending a lot of time with Tenzo. After all, he was the only person in the village capable of suppressing the Nine Tails, and Kakashi’s training plan had a high likelihood of drawing the beast out of Naruto.

He told himself he wasn’t excited at the prospect of spending more time with Tenzo. No, it was anxiety about the training plan. That’s all.

And when the training began, he told himself he wasn’t impressed by Tenzo’s ability to keep the Nine Tails in check. He wasn’t completely in awe of the giant waterfall he had produced. No, he wasn’t even giddy like a schoolgirl about the bench Tenzo had made for him. Tenzo was just a shinobi, an exceptional one granted, but it all meant nothing.

Tenzo was a puzzle that Kakashi had never figured out. The emotions he dredged up in Kakashi’s cold heart were ridiculous and illogical, and Kakashi was _anything_ but ridiculous and illogical. Surely there was a very simple, analytical explanation for the way Kakashi always felt around him.

And what better opportunity to discover that explanation than a multi-day training session, where the two of them were stuck together with practically no distractions.

Kakashi lounged on the wooden bench and held his Icha Icha novel up to his face - high enough to pass for reading, but low enough to allow him to stare surreptitiously at his kohai.

He watched him as he worked - one hand held out in front of his face, the other supporting it, legs crossed underneath him, and a look of determination on his face. He looked like a good shinobi. He was focused on protecting Naruto and the village from the wrath of the Nine Tails, and he was doing a damn good job at it. That must be one piece to the puzzle: Kakashi appreciated the talents of most of his fellow shinobi, but no one impressed him quite like Tenzo.

Kakashi kept watching him, noticing the slight glisten of sweat on his temple as he concentrated, the way his jaw set firm with determination, the barely-there wobble of his arm as he strained to keep it upright after hours and hours of work.

Kakashi wanted to crawl to Tenzo and prop his arm up for him. He wanted to run his fingers along that jawline and let it relax. He wanted to lick away the sweat that lingered on his head.

He looked away, down at his book.

He knew.

He had all the pieces to the puzzle in his hands, but he was too scared to put them together. Too scared of the answer he’d known for years. He was pathetic, weak.

But he couldn’t stop himself from assembling the puzzle and staring the truth in the face. He knew exactly how he felt when he was around Tenzo. He’d known for years, he’d never been able to deny it. No amount of time or distance between them had ever altered this feeling, and no amount of time or distance ever would. Kakashi was still a prisoner, shackled and held at Tenzo’s mercy. He’d never be free.

He wasn’t sure he’d ever want to be free.

He glanced back up at Tenzo and realized there was still one piece of the puzzle conspicuously missing. He shut his eyes - he didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to know. He wanted to stay in limbo forever, caught between someday and never, maybe and no, love and loss. He wasn’t ready - he’d had years and years but he still wasn’t ready to know if Tenzo felt the same way.

For now he knew how he felt, and that was enough.

 

4.

Kakashi didn’t really need Tenzo to come with him to the Land of Iron. The First Hokage’s necklace had broken during Pein’s assault on Konoha, rendering Tenzo just as effective at stopping the Nine Tails as any other shinobi. And his mokuton was more than handy in a bind, but Kakashi wasn’t really anticipating much of a fight during this trip.

No, Kakashi didn’t really need Tenzo to come on this trip. But he wanted him to. How stupid, how absolutely infantile was it for a shinobi to succumb to emotion and bring someone on a mission just because he enjoyed his presence. Kakashi had _definitely_ gone soft now.

He didn’t fight it though. Didn’t try to talk himself out of bringing Tenzo with him once he’d had the idea. Didn’t even stop himself from reading too far into it when Tenzo agreed immediately.

Tenzo wanted to come with Kakashi. He wanted him just as badly as Kakashi did.

Kakashi had begun to let himself dream that perhaps the missing piece of the puzzle was everything he’d ever wanted. He let himself hope that Tenzo felt the same way. But he hadn’t allowed himself to act on it. He didn’t think he was ready to know yet. The game was nice, the game was safe. The game existed only in Kakashi’s head and couldn’t hurt him. The truth, the _real_ truth was dangerous.

But he _wanted_ to know. The internal battle waged more each day - between the safety and security of Kakashi’s dream world and the dangerous unknown of reality. Most days the dream world won. Some days, Kakashi wasn’t sure who won.

As he trudged along through the snow, he forced himself to question _why_ he wanted to know. What did it matter? What would it change? What they had going now was nice, safe. Finding out the truth - good or bad - couldn’t change their relationship that much, could it?

Kakashi knew he wasn’t fooling anyone, least of all himself. It would change everything. Every damn thing. It would change the air that he breathed, the light from the sun, the shape of the stars in the night sky. Right now they spelled Tenzo. What would they spell if he didn’t feel the same way?

The cold air was a welcome distraction from Kakashi’s thoughts. The standard-issue cloak he wore did nothing to stop the harsh wind that froze him to the bone, leaving him chattering and shivering and kind of wishing he had told Naruto he wouldn’t go with him on this trip. But he knew he’d never do that. Naruto was his responsibility. He’d travel to the ends of the earth if it meant he’d keep him safe.

But poor Tenzo. Naruto wasn’t really his responsibility anymore. Without the Nine Tails suppression, Tenzo had no real need to be here. He could be back in Konoha right now, warm and dry by the fireplace in his favorite bar. Insead he was here, and only because Kakashi was too weak and pathetic to leave him behind.

Kakashi glanced up at Tenzo sheepishly, expecting to find him scowling against the wind and trudging forward with regret in each step. He was surprised to instead find him smiling that adorable little cooked smirk of his, the one that made Kakashi think he could read his mind. At the very least he could read his face, and he always knew what Kakashi was thinking.

The smirk shifted to a shy smile, lips slightly pouted and one eyebrow slightly raised when he noticed Kakashi looking at him. His cheeks were red from the wind but that didn’t stop a faint blush from sweeping across them all the way up to the tips of his ears.

It knocked the air from Kakashi’s lungs. He recognized that look. He knew what it meant. He didn’t have to live in the limbo between wondering and knowing anymore, and he didn’t have to ask Tenzo how he felt. No, Kakashi knew how Tenzo felt. It was clear as day, written in the way they locked eyes and couldn’t look away.

Kakashi knew. And he was terrified of it.

 

5.

It’s funny how the world can remain exactly the same when everything has changed. The earth keeps spinning on its axis, the moon keeps orbiting, the tides come in and go out. Nothing had changed. But nothing was the same.

That’s the way of war.

As a shinobi, Kakashi was no stranger to war. He’d fought and nearly died for war, and he’d experienced the ultimate loss due to war. He’d never wanted to feel any of it again.

But it would seem that was not for him to decide. Madara had declared war, and it was his duty as a Leaf shinobi to fight.  

The last time he’d fought a war for the Leaf he’d been a child, responsible for so few lives and still failing to keep them all alive. Now, despite that grand failure, the Alliance wanted to put him in charge of an entire regiment. It made no sense. But it wasn’t his duty to question orders. It was his duty to follow them.

So he busied himself with preparations, buried himself in his work, all in an effort to ignore the creeping anxiety threatening to take over his mind at any second. If he thought too long or too hard about the situation at hand, he wasn’t sure he’d keep it together.

The only decent aspect of this war was the fact that Tenzo wouldn’t be in it. Tsunade had assigned him to babysit Naruto and keep him from finding out about the war at all. If Naruto knew there was a war, he’d fight. And if he fought, he’d lose. Madara would inevitably capture him and use him to his own evil ends.

Kakashi didn’t necessarily like keeping Naruto in the dark but he’d do it if it meant he and Tenzo would both be safe. Kakashi had already lost so much in his life - he wasn’t sure he could handle losing the two of them.

The air was thick with tension as Kakashi finished packing his umpteenth box of the day. No one knew how long this war would last - there was a high likelihood it could drag on for months or years, and so they needed to prepare as many supplies as possible. Packing supplies was a good distraction for Kakashi - if he moved fast enough, he didn’t give himself time to think about the situation at hand.

It wasn’t until he felt a strong hand on his shoulder that he finally stopped moving. He turned to see those familiar brown almond-shaped eyes staring directly into his soul. They looked wearier than usual. Kakashi didn’t like it - those eyes should only ever have to smile. They should never see pain or worry.

“Will you walk with me?” Tenzo’s question forced Kakashi to remember that the eyes were attached to a full person. He nodded and followed Tenzo out of the supply tent and into the forest. Tenzo had always loved the forest - and not only because he was one with the trees. Something about the unmistakable realness drew him to the woods, he had told Kakashi once. Kakashi understood. The forest wasn’t a lie or a trick - it could only be honest. It never hid it’s true intentions. It was fitting that Tenzo felt at home among these trees.

They walked slowly, with no clear destination in their step. The silence between them didn’t feel heavy or forced, it felt right, natural. Kakashi could’ve listened to the sound of the forest forever next to Tenzo.

“I ship out tomorrow,” Tenzo said suddenly, breaking the silence. Kakashi knew that. He knew Tenzo was leaving tomorrow. He was glad - Tenzo would be getting out of harm’s way, off the front line, away from danger.

“I know,” Kakashi said simply. Tenzo sighed. There was a sadness to his tone, a worry Kakashi didn’t understand. Tenzo was going _away_ from the war. He had nothing to be worried about.

“I suppose I’ll miss most of the action,” Tenzo said. Kakashi nodded. “I suppose I should be grateful.” Kakashi looked up at him, unable to hide his confusion anymore.

“Are you not?” he asked. Tenzo looked up at him, his eyes begging Kakashi to understand.

“I would be… if you were coming with me,” he whispered. “But you’ll be on the front lines. And I… I’ll never know…”

The truth hit Kakashi like a kunai to the gut. Kakashi had spent so much time worrying about Tenzo’s safety that he had never even considered that Tenzo was worried about his safety. Kakashi honestly hadn’t even considered his own safety. He was worried about Naruto and Sakura, Tenzo, his whole regiment… he didn’t have a thought to spare for himself. But Tenzo did.

The knowledge was both heartwarming and heartbreaking. They’d made it this far by maintaining the status quo, both pretending they didn’t notice the glaring truth hanging between them. They’d never acted on that truth, and Kakashi was starting to wonder now if perhaps they should have. Because now it was too late. Tenzo was shipping out tomorrow, and Kakashi might die on the battlefield. He’d never see him again.

“I’ll see you when it’s over,” he said, surprised by the croakiness of his voice. Tenzo’s shoulders dropped in defeat. Kakashi had said something wrong.

“Kakashi, we’re both intelligent shinobi,” he said. “You know as well as I do that we may never see each other again.” Kakashi just stared at him. Nothing he could possibly say would do any justice to the way Tenzo was feeling. “I’ll never forgive myself if you died and I didn’t say… if I never told you… “

Kakashi knew. He knew what Tenzo wanted to say. He felt the fire burning in his heart, because it burned in Kakashi’s heart too. It always had, and it always will.

“I know, Tenzo,” he said. Tenzo looked up at him in surprise. “I know. And… I do too.”

It was a horrible confession, really. But it seemed to be enough for Tenzo. He reached out and grabbed Kakashi’s hand and pulled it to his own face, letting his cheek rest against it for a moment. Kakashi would’ve stayed there forever if Tenzo had asked him too. He would’ve given up his role as a shinobi, he would’ve abandoned the entire Allied Shinobi Forces, he would’ve forgotten all about the stupid war. If Tenzo only said the word.

But he didn’t. Instead he placed one kiss to the back of Kakashi’s hand before letting it fall to his side.

“We should head back,” he said.

Kakashi sighed before turning and heading back to the war.

 

6.

Things were supposed to be better after the war. People were supposed to be happier. Lives were supposed to continue on. Families were supposed to be reunited.

The Allied Shinobi Forces had won. They’d somehow defeated Madara and Obito and the Ten Tails and their own reanimated friends and loved ones. They’d gone though it all and come out the victors.

Kakashi wasn’t sure he’d ever feel okay again. Nothing could possibly be okay after that war. So many people were dead. So many more were injured. Nothing had gone to plan.

When Naruto had shown up on the battlefield, Kakashi felt the tiniest glimmer of hope deep within him. It was quickly extinguished when he realized Tenzo wasn’t with Naruto.

He hadn’t allowed himself time to think about that during the war. He was in charge of an entire regiment - hundreds of lives were held in his hand. He couldn’t be distracted worrying about one man, and he certainly couldn’t abandon his post and run off to find him.

But the war was over now. And Tenzo hadn’t returned.

Kakashi didn’t know where he was. Didn’t know if he was alive or dead. Didn’t know if he’d ever see him again. And most of all, didn’t know why he had been so stupid before the war. Why hadn’t he ever told Tenzo the truth? Why hadn’t he ever allowed himself to just utter the words?

He knew Tenzo knew how he felt, and he had thought that would be enough. He was wrong. He should’ve told him long ago, he should’ve held him close every night for the past ten years and kissed him every morning when he woke up. He should have, and now he didn’t know if he’d ever get the chance.

Nothing made any sense. Kakashi had been so certain that Tenzo would be safe from harm. His assignment was supposed to keep him away from the war and yet he had somehow been the one to get mixed up in it.

And he had been so worried about Kakashi on the front lines.

Nothing made sense, and Kakashi didn’t know if he’d ever understand anything ever again.

When Shizune came running up to him with panic on her face he didn’t think twice about it. There had been so many stupid emergencies that he had had to take care of. He didn’t care about any of them. But he was a good soldier. He carried on.

As she got closer though something about the look on her face gave him pause. She ran up to him and put on hand on his arm.

“Please come quickly,” she panted out. “Tsunade-sama requires your presence immediately!” Her tone betrayed how worried she was. Kakashi followed her blindly to the medical tents, fear rising within him with each step.

He knew where Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura were. He knew were Tsunade was. He knew where Gai was. He had no idea what Tsunade could possibly have to tell him so urgently.

When he finally found her she looked relieved to see him, as if a few more seconds might have been too much for whatever emergency she was facing. She walked over and threw her arms around him - it was much more intimate than they had ever been before, and Kakashi wasn’t sure he was too comfortable with it. He rested his hands awkwardly on her arms.

“Kakashi, don’t freak out,” she whispered directly into his ear. “We found Yamato.”

Kakashi suddenly understood why Tsunade had her arms around him, because when his knees gave out she kept him standing upright.

He didn’t know what to do, what to say. Dozens of questions flew through his brain too quickly for him to understand. He realized he was gripping Tsunade’s arms much too tightly, but he was worried if he let go that he’d somehow fade out of existence.

“How…” was the only word he could manage. It came out broken and cracked, he barely recognized it as a word himself. But Tsunade understood.

“He’s alive,” she said. “We don’t know what happened yet, but I thought you’d want to see him.”

Kakashi hadn’t the presence of mind to even begin to wonder how Tsunade knew about him and Tenzo. All he knew was that he was thankful she did. He nodded slightly, still too afraid to let go of her lest he fall right through the ground and cease to be.

She pulled away just barely to test if he could stand on his own and, finding he could, she led him to a nearby medical tent. He wasn’t sure he’d ever felt fear so intense in his life. He didn’t know what to expect, didn’t know what he’d find in the tent. He didn’t know.

He entered the tent first, following shortly by Tsunade and Shizune. It was extremely dark inside, and Kakashi blinked several times to adjust to the change in light.

“He’s chakra exhausted,” Tsunade explained before Kakashi had adjusted to the darkness. “He’s been unconscious and we’re not sure when he’ll…”

“Kakashi?”

It was barely more than a whisper, but it was Tenzo. Kakashi finally saw him lying on a cot, pale as a ghost and looking two steps away from death. He looked exhausted, but he was _alive._

“T… Tenzo,” Kakashi, too relieved to be embarrassed by the way his voice cracked. His feet seemed to move on their own as they carried him to the edge of Tenzo’s bed before his knees finally did give out, and without Tsunade’s arms there to hold him up he found himself kneeling on the ground next to Tenzo’s cot.

“It’s really you,” Tenzo said. “You’re alive.” Kakashi’s hands hovered a centimeter off of Tenzo’s face, unsure if touching would hurt him.

“So are you,” Kakashi said. “I didn’t know…” He trailed off. He didn’t even know what he didn’t know. He hadn’t known if Tenzo was alive or dead, he didn’t know what had happened to get him in this state, he didn’t know how Tsunade had found him. He didn’t know much of anything.

But he didn’t care.

He gently caressed the side of Tenzo’s face, testing to see how he reacted. He closed his eyes and leaned into Kakashi’s touch, and Kakashi found himself touching him all over. He touched his cheek, his forehead, his neck, he ran his hands through his hair, along his shoulder, down his arm. He had to touch him to make sure he was real, to make sure he was actually alive.

“Tenzo…” he said. He wasn’t sure what he planned to say, but he just wanted to say his name to make him real. “Tenzo.”

“I know, Kakashi,” he said. “I know.”

“I’ll never leave you again,” Kakashi whispered, pressing his forehead against Tenzo’s.

“I’ll never let you,” Tenzo said. Kakashi smiled. He didn’t know what the future would hold or what kind of recovery Tenzo would need. He didn’t know if Konoha would ever fully recover from the war. He didn’t even know that he was crying, and he certainly didn’t know why.

But he knew how he felt, and that was enough.


End file.
